


Relationship Advice

by ShaneDarkwin



Series: Love & Sacrifice [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol, But Still Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, and has feelings about anidala, sabé gets drunk, she is also a horny mess, yes this is based on that one tiktok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:15:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24258754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShaneDarkwin/pseuds/ShaneDarkwin
Summary: in which Padmé hosts a girls night and her drunk bff trash talks her secret marriage. what could possibly go wrong!
Relationships: Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Series: Love & Sacrifice [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1752562
Comments: 3
Kudos: 37





	Relationship Advice

**Author's Note:**

> if you couldn't tell from the tags, this is pure and utter crack. the pov switches every other paragraph too to illustrate the chaotic state these girls are in but if you can cope with that, be my guest. sorry to anyone who likes padmé and anakin's relationship, you might not wanna read this.

“So, are they really that sharp?”

“Sabé!”

The look the young woman earns from Padmé is enough to make a grown man slouch, but she seems impervious to it, never taking her squinting eyes off Ahsoka. Her pupils are as dilated as one would expect from a human her size after enjoying the amount of alcohol she had. Which, in Sabé’s case, was approximately two glasses of wine and three shots of whatever it was Satine had brought.

“That’s not a prejudice, in fact. But their danger is greatly exaggerated in some circles,” Ahsoka answers truthfully, not at all offended by the question. She shoves another spoonful of fruit cream in her mouth while Sabé shoots her friend a ‘see?’ look and Padmé rolls her eyes, turning her attention back to the discussion she’s engaged in with Satine and Riyo.

“Okay, but what about venom? Is that also just exaggerated or could you actually kill me if you were to bite me?”

Ahsoka chokes on her dessert, but the Pantoran senator jumps to her aid, answering the question in her stead: “That’s just plain fiction. They may be hunters but Togruta have no need for venomous teeth.”

A bantha-crap eating grin spreads on Sabé’s face. “Why, I had no idea you were an expert on Togruta anatomy, Senator. Thank you very much.”

Padmé is still busy clapping her coughing warrior child on the back so it’s thankfully only the culprit herself and Satine that watch Riyo turn a deep shade of purple at the comment. Once Ahsoka no longer runs danger of suffocating, the hostess returns her attention to her closest friend and tipsy menace.

“What do you even care for it?”

“Just surveying possible candidates for fun times.”

“She’s sixteen!”

“I never said I was going for her! Blast, Naberrie, loosen up a little, will you?” Sabé’s says and raises her hands to her head in defeat while slumping back in her seat. “I just have a thing for pretty non-humans that preferably not kill me when I sleep with them, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna try go for your surrogate daughter who, by the way, seems to be off the market anyway.” She not so subtly winks at Riyo during the last part. “Besides, Tonra and I are still kind of a thing, so…”

That statement sits between them for each guest to digest. Satine is the first to recover, mumbling “Well, not dying during intercourse does sound preferable” in agreement while Ahsoka is busy mouthing ‘surrogate daughter’, trying to identify whether that description is a misnomer or not. Padmé rubs her temples, seriously regretting inviting her best friend out to this dinner and Riyo hides behind her hands, wishing the ground in Padmé’s apart may burst open and swallow her whole. When to no one’s surprise it doesn’t, she produces the galaxy’s lamest excuse to exit the room on her own power.

“It’s kind of stuffy in here, isn’t it? I’ll just go catch some air for a moment.” Someone should revoke her job title for this. But at least she’s out on the balcony five agonizing seconds later and is spared the conversation sparked by Sabé’s not to subtle looks as she takes her leave.

“She’s kinda cute, too,” the ex-handmaiden murmurs, not even bothering to hide the wandering eyes following Riyo’s figure until the Pantoran disappears out on the balcony.

“Did you not just state you were involved with someone already?” Satine raises an amused eyebrow.

“Exactly,” Padmé finally coaxes out, pointing at nothing in particular, yet with an awful passion, “how would Tonra feel about you ogling every woman in your sight?”

Leaning forward again to meet her adversary halfway, Sabé shoots back: “He’d chime in that they’re not really his type and move on to another topic because he’s not a jealous, possessive, controlling-“

“Alright, that’s enough!” Padmé cuts her off. The defensive look on her face as she sits back and turns her head escapes exactly no one at the table. Ahsoka and Satine exchange a suspecting look. “We’ll finish this talk another time.”

“Oh, no, never mind us,” Satine chimes in sickly sweet. Her interest has been piqued and if there’s one thing she considers a guilty pleasure, it’s gossip. Since she assumes none of the other’s will likely remember the evening’s events in great detail tomorrow, she may as well shamelessly engage in this niche interest of hers while she can.

“It’s really not that-“ “Padmé’s secret boyfriend is a piece of bantha-“

Another sharp look let’s Sabé shrink back, if only a little. “-fodder,” she ends her sentence. “But she may like whoever she pleases because she is still her own sovereign person. Or at least she was last time I checked.”

Padmé looks uncomfortable, but evidently not enough so to make the other two back down from the objective. So, Ahsoka inches to the unoccupied space at the far end of the seating arrangement where Riyo left and carefully pulls out the tiny holo-recorder she’d been gifted by Rex. Oh, yes, this ought to be good.

“What is it my ears hear now, a secret boyfriend? I really hadn’t pegged you for the type, Senator,” Satine teases and takes a sip from her ridiculously big glass of wine.

“Don’t encourage her in this, Satine,” Padmé says, no, _pleads_ , with a wince.

They go back and forth for a minute and Ahsoka is buzzing with anticipation. Then, the persona of Senator Padmé Amidala caves in and gives way to Padmé Naberrie, the girl who once rose to power to represent her people as queen and has been in their service ever since. She raises her arms and lets her head hang for just a moment before sighing deeply. “Alright, you win.”

Ahsoka briefly debates jumping out to fetch Riyo for what is inevitably about to go down but decides against it, being pretty sure the women have forgotten about her existence and being too scared to ruin this frail moment and this everyone’s source of entertainment. When Padmé begins to talk, she’s even more glad about that decision.

“We’ve known each other for a very long time. I trust him with my life and, though I admit he can be quite rash and impulsive at times, I wouldn’t trade our relationship for the world.”

“Yeah, yeah, how lovely, a fella with cute little quirks. How ‘bout you tell her the part about him not letting you turn him down?”

“You’re being unfair.”

“Oh, am I? So he didn’t keep pressing a personal matter while in a professional environment where you depended on him for you safety?” At this Satine’s eyebrow shoots up once more. Padmé will not let this stand, though.

“He is… inexperienced.”

Sabé scoffs. “Yeah, inexperienced alright. I can’t believe you actually fell for that whole ‘You torment me’ number. It’s so pathetic and whiny.”

“You stop talking about my husband like that at once!” The sentence has barely left her lips when Padmé claps her hands over her mouth in shock already, realising too late what she just gave away. Meanwhile, all hell breaks loose. Sabé is going absolutely feral, eyes wide open, practically screaming “You didn’t!”; Satine keeps looking between the two with a look of entertainment and maybe just a hint of empathy for her colleague. Ahsoka is capturing the mess and trying but failing to keep still, her body rattled by the laughs she’s stifling. Into the disaster stumbles Riyo, alerted by cries of betrayal and mayhem, looking positively distraught.

“You _married him?!_ ” “We couldn’t tell anyone, it-“ “You married the guy.” “Sabé, please, it was a secret wedding, inviting you would have kind of defeated the point of it.”

The silence that follows is icy and compels Ahsoka to hold her breath.

“I know you’re mad, but can you please just try to be supportive? I love him. Isn’t that enough?”

Sabé looks like she’s about to retaliate a snarky comment but bites her tongue. All those years ago when they were just girls, she swore an oath. To serve and protect, not only her home, but her queen. Unconditional loyalty. To give her life if she must. It was an oath that bound them still today and she knew Padmé had never taken it lightly. Sabé’s devotion to her was no secret, but Padmé would rather die than abuse it in any way. If she was asking her to do, then she had good reason to.

So, Sabé takes a deep breath and swallows her pride. “It is enough for me.”

“Why don’t you tell us more about him, that husband of yours? Sure sounds like a serious guy,” Satine intervenes in an attempt to hopefully steer this conversation back to more accommodating waters. It quickly proves to have been in vain, however, when each additional story Padmé tells the group only paints this ‘secret’ lover in an even more questionable light. At this point everyone has her own suspicion as to who he may be (they’re all correct but then again, Anakin and Padmé are both rather horrible at hiding their relationship) but keeps quietly watching the rising tension.

After the fourth story Ahsoka, unable to ever fully shed the strategic mindset she was raised to adapt, makes out a pattern:

Padmé will start each telling with fresh enthusiasm, sure that this one will make the others understand why she has fallen for this man and subsequently get Sabé off her back. Halfway through she will realise that this particular event included or ended on a note that’s unfavourable to say the least and double back on herself, creating a compelling aura of what can only be described as peak-cringe-culture.

Satine seems to be the having the time life while the other occupants of the room fall everywhere on the emotional scale from nearly dying of second-hand embarrassment (Riyo) to suppressing anger to the point of projecting their consciousness into another realm (Sabé). Throw Padmé’s ever-increasing stress into the mix and Ahsoka is nearing a sensory overload from the tension in the Force with every passing second. The only thing keeping her from slipping into a meditative state is the small recorder tightly clutched in her hand, its cool metal reminding her that yep, this is reality.

The climax to the story is approaching with steady strides when Padmé insists that this one is going to change their minds. Sabé looks like she’s about to implode with the myriad of comments she must have been holding back ever since her best friend started her monologue.

“You see, the Jedi council had asked me to do them a favour involving getting back in touch with an old friend. The mission itself ended up going sideways but he swooped in at the last minute to save me.”

“Now, now, I’m surprised the council would ask you to undertake such a risk, from what I remember they were always quite reluctant to employ help from outsiders,” Satine comments. Her glass is almost empty, and she reaches for the bottle.

“Well, they are, but it the situation called for drastic measures. My husband was also not very fond of the idea, he actually tried to talk me out of it, insistently, but-“

At the opposite end of the table Sabé throws her hands in the air. Her fuse has snapped, at last.

“Padmé you can’t be-“ “You said you’d be supportive!” “I tried but how can I be when even you can’t make him sound good!” “You’re not -“

There’s a frustrated groan and burrowing of a head in hands followed by an exasperated grabbing of drinks. Sabé chugs down half a glass while Padmé rambles on and at this point Ahsoka isn’t even sure anymore what’s happening. Satine is holding onto her the wine tightly, entranced by the theatrics unfolding. When the bodyguard turned spy pulls her glass away, she sighs and Padmé stares at her blankly.

“Okay, you literally-“

“No, listen to me,” Padmé interrupts, sealing her fate.

In the next moment Sabé’s glass lands on the table, her hands cupping her face in silent prayer to whatever native deity will hear her now so that they may forgive her for what she’s about to do. It takes only a split second, then she pulls her hands away, looking her friend straight in the eye.

“Shut the kriff up,” she says, surprising herself. Judging by the stunned silence, that surprise extends to the rest of the mismatched group as well. So be it. It’s all the same to her now. When she opens her mouth again, her voice is a good octave higher than usually.

“Break up with him!” Sabé shrieks. Oh, blast, that shouldn’t feel so good. “Break up with _him_!”

When reviewing that footage later those should be the last words uttered on that evening. In the background Satine can be spotted undeniably losing her composure before the screen briefly brushes over Padmé’s deflated form to land on Ahsoka, completely going off the rails. She flashes a grin, showing off a row of sharp, edgy teeth, and then it cuts to black, leaving only the sound of their hysterical laughter before that, too, fades out.


End file.
